No love is real except the love a parent has for the child.
The truth came dawning on him that morning as he steered the ceiling. He had thought it would be different with Valery, but he was wrong. He had recused himself of sex and became a eunuch for 2years. If he could resist himself, he thought, and still date Valery for 2years without breaking up, then Valery should be the one. Now, here he is this morning after valentine sex, feeling like ending things with Valery. Suddenly, she no longer sparkles his interest…
Don’t be judgemental. You too have been there. Changing lovers from time to time and hoping to meet that special someone who will reciprocate that great affection. Yet, when that person comes, you grow weary and become dissatisfied, you begin to see faults. Might you pause to consider – what really is love? Does it exist?
I have searched over the years to understand what humans mean by love when they refer to someone – ‘I love him/her’. It appears when we say ‘love’ we tend to mean a great unconditional affection towards someone. But this is a mirage. We have been deceived by historic usages, fairytales, romance fictions and Bollywood-like movies. Dictionaries define love in similar words – a great feeling of affection for someone. But this is an absolute lie. Let me show you.
‘He no longer loves me?’, ‘I do not love her’, what are these personas actually saying? They are saying they no longer feel or witness that presence of unconditional affection for that person. But was that feeling of affection ever-real? No. When one says ‘baby, I love you’, what he/she really is saying is ‘I want to have sex with you’, or ‘I am lonely, I want you to be my companion’ or ‘There is something I need from you’. And when the other party accepts, what that party is really saying is ‘I want you to take care of me’, or ‘I am lonely too, I want you to be my companion’ etc. Both are drawn by an existential reality – interest. But they do not know it. Mind you, interest draws passion, and passion draws affection. So there is an affection alright, but what is denied is what that affection truly is – interest.
When we end relationships, we do because our interest is no longer served. i.e he/she is too broke to take care of you; he/she stopped being there for you as a companion; he/she started choking your freedom instead of supporting you? There is always a reason and that reason betrays the interest by which we negotiated a relationship in the first place or the interest became contrary to a higher interest. Think about it, why do lovers divorce after years of marriage?
The only true unconditional love there is, is the love a parent has for the child, especially that of a mother over her baby. Having taken the same flesh and blood, the child becomes part of the whole, and the parent will die for that child. Sometimes, the child grows to become an arsehole, yet that love never diminishes.
Those who believe in God may say God’s love is unconditional, but can we say God’s love is devoid of interest? Why did God make man? ‘God created us for his glory’ (Isaiah 43:6b-7); ‘The earth is full of his glory – (Isaiah 6:3); even the catholic teaches – ‘God made us, to know him, love him and serve him‘. For those who do not believe in God but in science, whichever theory we decide to take, evolution or big bang, atoms and monads, et al, the world evolved in the pursuit and survival of the interests of these substances/species.
This is why the relationships that last, are those of parties who identify their interests and conflicts early enough and walk into it with a common understanding. For love is the dark envelope by which interest is shrouded and valentine is just much ado about nothing. Love is an appellation given to confuse that one reality – interest. Know this and love and forgiveness is yours to sway. I shall be receiving your strong objections now.